and i dreamt too much last night.

how do i feel?
i feel tired, although i slept too much today.
i'm feeling all-over like, and touching nowhere.
is that hunger? is that my numb feet? is that mere fatigue? or is it "growing older"?
or is it that the somethings ticking within me are melting in my crucible?

i'm not sad. hahaha why do i write things that have such a depressive air?
i think i'm just prone to writing weird nonsense.

i just put a piercing through jeskuh's cartilage for her.
the running joke is that i am her 'Isaac' (Dead Space reference, nerd ftw) and do all these weird-arse things for her such as cutting off old earrings with pliers, dismembering half-rotted alien corpses, and plucking strange things from her skin, and other stuff that i cannot remember but did involve the use of gloves.\\


i kind of want to write about something scary, bad, and awful that happened a couple nights ago, but i feel like i oughtn't. although i doubt anyone would ever read this, i dislike writing out the details of events that effect (or is it 'affect'? shit.) me strongly, so i will write in the only way i feel i can: vaguely, and cryptically :DDDDD hahaha this is not going to be eloquent.

hmmm. how do i say this?

why do we make ourselves blind?
how can a person hurt another person?
how can you strike a person who has shouldered your weight?
how can you hurt the people who have sacrificed to save you?

before this happened, i had been feeling like "if it keeps on raining, the levee is going to break".
it just kept running through my head; the idea that everything was about to fall apart.

arguments, tears, hate, and pain.

why is it that the most pain comes from the people we love?
how can we hurt each other, the "people we love"?

somebody ended up wounding everybody.


that person caused themselves so much pain.

some people don't realise that they live in a self-imposed darkness. they think they are trapped, but don't they realise the world can change if they only want it to? they don't see that the gates of hell are closed from the inside.

why is it that people cannot realise that sunshine and rain are the same? that life is the way you want to see things?

i know that life is hard. i know for certain: i am sick. i have nerve damage. i might go blind, i might lose my feet. sometimes i even wonder how long i have to live.
i know that in my life, people will hurt me. i will hurt people. there will be times when i will be poor. i will be hungry. i will be alone. i know that pain is universal.

but so much of life is what i choose to make it. i can see good where there is bad if i only open my eyes.
i am pilot to my thoughts and actions, and therefore pilot to my emotions. i can be happy amidst unhappiness because i choose to be.
while happiness will not necessarily solve my problems, isn't it preferable to wallowing in self-pity?
yes, i do cry, and sometimes i do feel awful, but i understand that crying won't change my life. arguing won't change someone's opinion. hatred won't change the world.
so why not love and feel uplifted? life is much too short to waste on unhappiness.
why argue? why harbour fear? why worry about things you cannot change?
why hurt people, and why inflict pain upon yourself?

why don't people realise that peace is in their hands?





i don't know if this conveys what i mean. but, does that really matter? hahaha

we are all just Going to California with an aching in our hearts, hoping to find that almost unreachable reason to live--that world where we are all children of the sun, or that one person with love in their eyes and flowers in their hair. we are all people just standing on a hill in our mountain of dreams, telling ourselves that it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

thanks, led zeppelin. hahahaha