A Time For All Things.

I want to tell someone all about me.

I want to be someone’s pillar and someone’s source of comfort.

I want to build a time machine and join the hippies.

I want to play guitar and become a folk singer.

I want to dress like a Victorian lady in mourning.

And when the mood strikes, I want to dress in rags.

I want to write like a poet.

And I want to draw like a master.

I want to free my mind, and expand my heart.

I want to Change the World, and Change People's Lives.

I want to always be strong and good and happy.

And sometimes, I think I want to roll a stoney and have nothing ever make sense again hahah

(I also want to have a mustache like Paul McCartney's hahahah)

and i dreamt too much last night.

how do i feel?
i feel tired, although i slept too much today.
i'm feeling all-over like, and touching nowhere.
is that hunger? is that my numb feet? is that mere fatigue? or is it "growing older"?
or is it that the somethings ticking within me are melting in my crucible?

i'm not sad. hahaha why do i write things that have such a depressive air?
i think i'm just prone to writing weird nonsense.

i just put a piercing through jeskuh's cartilage for her.
the running joke is that i am her 'Isaac' (Dead Space reference, nerd ftw) and do all these weird-arse things for her such as cutting off old earrings with pliers, dismembering half-rotted alien corpses, and plucking strange things from her skin, and other stuff that i cannot remember but did involve the use of gloves.\\


i kind of want to write about something scary, bad, and awful that happened a couple nights ago, but i feel like i oughtn't. although i doubt anyone would ever read this, i dislike writing out the details of events that effect (or is it 'affect'? shit.) me strongly, so i will write in the only way i feel i can: vaguely, and cryptically :DDDDD hahaha this is not going to be eloquent.

hmmm. how do i say this?

why do we make ourselves blind?
how can a person hurt another person?
how can you strike a person who has shouldered your weight?
how can you hurt the people who have sacrificed to save you?

before this happened, i had been feeling like "if it keeps on raining, the levee is going to break".
it just kept running through my head; the idea that everything was about to fall apart.

arguments, tears, hate, and pain.

why is it that the most pain comes from the people we love?
how can we hurt each other, the "people we love"?

somebody ended up wounding everybody.


that person caused themselves so much pain.

some people don't realise that they live in a self-imposed darkness. they think they are trapped, but don't they realise the world can change if they only want it to? they don't see that the gates of hell are closed from the inside.

why is it that people cannot realise that sunshine and rain are the same? that life is the way you want to see things?

i know that life is hard. i know for certain: i am sick. i have nerve damage. i might go blind, i might lose my feet. sometimes i even wonder how long i have to live.
i know that in my life, people will hurt me. i will hurt people. there will be times when i will be poor. i will be hungry. i will be alone. i know that pain is universal.

but so much of life is what i choose to make it. i can see good where there is bad if i only open my eyes.
i am pilot to my thoughts and actions, and therefore pilot to my emotions. i can be happy amidst unhappiness because i choose to be.
while happiness will not necessarily solve my problems, isn't it preferable to wallowing in self-pity?
yes, i do cry, and sometimes i do feel awful, but i understand that crying won't change my life. arguing won't change someone's opinion. hatred won't change the world.
so why not love and feel uplifted? life is much too short to waste on unhappiness.
why argue? why harbour fear? why worry about things you cannot change?
why hurt people, and why inflict pain upon yourself?

why don't people realise that peace is in their hands?





i don't know if this conveys what i mean. but, does that really matter? hahaha

we are all just Going to California with an aching in our hearts, hoping to find that almost unreachable reason to live--that world where we are all children of the sun, or that one person with love in their eyes and flowers in their hair. we are all people just standing on a hill in our mountain of dreams, telling ourselves that it's not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

thanks, led zeppelin. hahahaha

siúil go sochair agus siúil go ciúin

Why am I posting here again?

hahahah

I know, because it's weird posting media on lj.




This summer, I might be able to stay with cousin Bridgette... in her home... in Belfast... Ireland.

It will be like homecoming for me! Land of my Forefathers, Earth from which my blood sprang!

I want so badly to study abroad in Ireland at Trinity College (hell, I would be satisfied with Queen's College), but at the same time, I don't want to leave my family and warm home here.



Living in Ireland would be a step towards living "Nelly's perfectly strange, totally impossible, fairy-tale life". It would a provincial existence, but I imagine it would also (MAGICALLY!!!!) be unpolluted by greed, and haughtiness and all the things that make me hate the united states. hahha I know, I'm draping my dreams on a place that would not likely measure up to fantasy.


But looking at the O'Dea castle, I think, how can someone NOT spin fairy tales? It's so strange and amazing to think that more than 600 years ago, my ancestor built this castle. hahah I don't want to into the "time is forever, existence is short" discussion. So I will move onto my Peter Pan-syndrome, instead :D!



Once in Ireland, I wonder how I could come back? How could I not forget everything I have here, and end up leaving behind a whithered, cast-off skin? I imagine that on a whim, I'd decide to buy a EuroRail ticket and travel around Europe alone-- throwaway all my material goods, meet new people, see new places, and live on the edge of existence. I've certainly thought about it, and I feel like I might just decide to leave everything behind, and start a new life.
It would be daring! spontaneous! exciting! adventurous!; all the things which I am not, but would like to be.

It would be tough to leave my family, though. To study abroad would mean I would finally be cutting the umbilical cord (hahhaah), and my family is everything to me.


I can see this is quickly turning into a "blahblah growing up sucks" whine. So I will quit.

hahahaha It's impossible to stop the flow of time, but IT'S TIME TO GROW UP, 子供たち.

I will say, though, that regardless of my age, I hope I never become the kind of person who is calculating, cold and interested only in "matters of significance". Let my heart remain forever young and pure and strong and kind.
hahaha that sounds like some kind of Christian pledge. bleh, it's not.


Because I Can:








hahah the first is from sherlock holmes, but it's a catchy song lol


fdsksfk i'm done, i promise. :)

Freeze Dried Brains

I look to too many people to tell me how I ought to live my life. Too many people who determine how I feel about myself. I let myself be carried in too many unimportant hands. I want to live in a way that makes me happy.


Just a little something I've written:


His mind twisted mercurially past the thoughts, the scenes; shattering into a million directions like a dish dashed against the floor. No, no, his mind wasn't even concrete. It was liquid. It was dripping, oozing in greats gobs of congealed and madly firing neurons. It was pulling itself with wet, lewds sound into corners, behind picture frames, into stories, faces, feelings, long forgotten memories, and purposely forgotten ones. But his mind couldn't, for all it's manic racking, find the answer it was looking for, the answer to How Could This Be Happening?
The man spoke.
"Comment ça va, Vincent?"
He spoke in the familiar, sing-song-way that had once been so comforting to Vincent. But now that voice held taunting malice, like the man was dangling some precious object just out of the other's reach.
With a sinking feeling, Vincent's mind at last stumbled upon its answer.
Augustine was alive.











................I like it? I wonder if it is good.

blahblahblah horror stories with slashy subtext. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.

wild wood today.\

my photographs are not awesome, but i like these few hahahahahaha
i don't like just taking pictures of beautiful things, because then i'm not really being creative; the thing which i take a photo of is doing all the work.
but i'm not made for coming up with original compositions, so i will continue to take nature-scapes. lol.





jessica and i thought these weird, hippie-like people were following us. when we reached the waterfall, we saw that they had climbed to the top, and i mentioned something i learned in psychology-- that all people have a "death wish" which propels them to do dangerous and stupid things (like climbing to the top of a moss covered waterfall when a sign clearly says DO NOT CLIMB). After we left, jessica said they were following us, but being rather clueless, I had no idea. So we ran all around and exhausted ourselves trying to make it to the top of the Teepee hill/mountain/thing. We relaxed, having imagined that we escaped the creepy people who were out to murder us.
But then they came up the other side of the hill we ran up, and took another path leading away from us.

We watch too many scary movies.

Also, I've started to write again. I want to finish "Guilt or a Grudge" by winter. The pic on top is what I wrote yesterday. PAIN is supposed to be the main word, but I'm not sure if the picture reflects that/

Writing is such a long freaking painful process for me. When I read what I have written it sounds like "badum, badum... badum". Simple. Stupid. Boring. The only thing I am good at is descriptions, and everything else seems so dopey. BLAH i want to write in an evocative style. mmmmmmm.



Self-deprecation aside, I scared myself yesterday. It was midnight, and I was alone in the living room listening creepy music to put me in the Horror-Story-Writing mood, when I noticed the curtain behind me was swaying eerily. hahahah i hightailed it upstairs. such a wuss :D

when it breaks

you
are
a person.
and your eyes are holding on tight
to something that aches in your insides
to something, in your sky lights
you
are
with
out me.
and we are more than lives apart.

strange stranger

hi. this is just a test.
YAY.
i hope my layout does not suck.dsffsffsf.